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mysecretcrushonfernando
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Name: mysecretcrushonfernando
Gender: Female
Interests: good question- i'll have to get back to u on that one
Expertise: ha- funny
Occupation: hoping to get employed soon...
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/30/2006
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| my de-fat-ifying camp starts tomarrow. i am a bit frightened but oh well. anyhoooo- i had a very strange dream last night. i dreampt that michelle wanted to be my friend again. i kinda wanted to be hers, but i was confused about justin....I think that this dream stemmed from the fact that i burned justin's picture last night. after i did i got really sad, and i thought- what if one day i want to show my children his picture? now he is truly unreachable. it is sad. ah well, but time moves on. one shouldn't live in the past. hmm. just saying that i suppose it will appear rather ironic what i am going to say next- i went back to kyle. not crawling, begging- I ALWAYS LOVED YOU kind of take me back. It was very romantic. He was under the impression that i intended to get back together with him. I told him we needed a break, and just figured he would take that as a break up. Is this a pattern that i am going to have with men all of my life? With Justin it was more of a panicking that made me break up with him, but with Kyle I had this insufferable sinking in my heart. I felt like a sex toy. Maybe I still am. i don;t know. But anyway. when Kyle and I broke up Kyle and I talked and it was fun. This lasted for about a week. I got to know him alot better, and during all of this i was trying to force myself to feel something, anything, but my heart was numb. Now I finally understood what it means to not be able to choose the one that you love. But one day after school, Kyle had had a tick bite, and for that reason he had gone to the emergancy room during the school day. He called me to tell me, and it turned out we were right down the hall from each other, so I went to his locker and sat with him for a while. We were talking and laughing, and I had my hand on the floor next to him. He slowly eased his hand on top of mine, then looked into my eyes. I looked back and our eyes were just locked for about 10 seconds before, without thinking, i leaned in and kissed him. My first thought was -what the hell am i doing?- and then he assumed we were going out again, which- can u blame him? It was very romantic even though i wasn't sure it was something that i wanted to do..... well tata for now. | | |
| well i broke up with him. and it was hard. it is always hard. i started to feel trapped. that is a very ugly feeling. i was not attracted to him anymore- he didn't seem to have much to offer. i felt like a baby, like a big boring baby. but i wanted him to be ok. and i think he is. don't mind the fact that he constantly calls. he thinks that i just need time to clear my head. that i still love him. and who knows- maybe i still, or never did. but who cares? i think he'll find someone. someone less hallow. it'll all turn out ok. | | |
| I went with rachael to evanston yesterday. Although we didn't see mr.campos, i must say (pat on back) i think that we had a great time. Ms.Ogura is so great to talk to. I don't think i really miss her, though. It is just nice to visit every so often. It was strange to see many people's reactions, though. Most people were really stand-offish. but they were people that i honestly didn't like very much to begin with. Like Emanual. And Kat. I suppose Kat was nice but i always found her a little strange...hmmm. And i saw Michelle. That was weird. I just kinda pointed her out to rachael from across the way. She didn't look gorgous or anything- just, Michelle. That kinda made me relieved in some part of me. If she had been the queen of beauty i would have felt somehow inadequit. But because she was just- her- i felt alot better. Like i had a foothold in the world or something. Like she hadn't one-upped me. I try to be mature about these things but i suppose i still am selfish and have a bit of a pretentous bitch lurking under my skin. Now I really do wish the absolute best for her, but i wonder if i would have felt the same if i had seen justin embracing her passionatly in the hallway. I was literally shaking when i first entered the school. That is the reaction that i had the first time, but God it felt so much better to be there with someone else. Rachael made it so i didn't feel like a stray dog like i normally do when i go back there. Seeing Henry and Ty was great, tho! I think my ego was ready to explode when i saw the way that Ty looked at me. Damn that boy is FINE! But then i remembered, oh yea- you are going out with Kyle! Remember Kyle! The one that you were fooling around with in the basement thursday night, Kyle! The one that told you that he wanted to spend forever with you. Oh, yeah- that one. Part of me loves him but part of me wants to fly. Yet i am fully aware of the fact that the only reason i believe i have wings that can ease my feet from the ground is because i am so sure that i am wanted. I know it in my soul that Kyle's desire for me is something stronger then he has ever felt and that makes me feel like silk. But my feelings for him were not enough to stop me from giving Ty my number. I wonder if Ty will mention that he saw me to anyone. :). YAY! | | |
| yesterday i went shopping for a prom dress. it is burgandy and flowing and perfect! but then i called kyle up and poff- just like that, my dress wasn't so pretty any more. I told him i had bought one and he asked if he would go with me. "ummm..lets talk about it." this from the man that says that he wants to spend forever with me. I'm just so STUPID sometimes. he's just a boy. just like all of the other ones. sometimes i truly think that i am in love with him and sometimes, well.... so anyway- he called back and told me how much he would love to go with me but how it was a money issue. I suppose it was fine but i went to bed a little angry. Then i had the dream. I drempt that somehow i had seen Michelle passing. It never occured to me but sometimes i still miss her. I saw her and she offered me a ride in her van. I got in and suprizingly, justin was not inside. Ari was. Ari Michelle and I satred to talk until Michelle pulled up to a store and jumped out of the car, running inseide. There was a boy in there and she hugged him. I asked Ari who the boy was and she replied, "her boyfriend of course." Then I asked about Justin, and Ari said, Well, Justin is like the ideal man so he left Michelle and is going out with Ahfashfahg;gh" Then i started to refute that to her and talking about how i couldn't believe that and that he had an unattractive ass and nose. Then, for some reason. I could see myself. Like how i used to look when i went out with justin. I was saying to (myself?) "My new borfriend treats me like SILK. SILK. SILK." I have no idea what this means but i suppose I will just send it out into the abyss. It is Justin's birthday today, though. I went into my email and read something from my brother. He told me that if i do not talk to my father he will never talk to me ever again for the rest of his life. Then I pulled up my contacts and clicked on Justin's name. What was I doing? I clicked out. Clicked it again. I KNOW that i am not in love with him anymore. He is sub- human. But- I think that my desire to have a little peice of what used to be me is sooo strong. I don't exist to my old familt anymore. Who used to care about me in my old life? Was everything based on making everyone else happy? Who knows? So instead of emailing Justin, I pulled up my favorite contact of all- Fernando Campos. I hope he replies soon. XOXOX
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| claire called me yesterday. i was babystting and then all of a sudden......an 864 #? that's evanston. who the hell could be calling me? anyway- homegurl rants for about 15 min about someone wanting to cheat with her or something....twas fine i suppose. but then when i started to speak about myself...lets just say the total converstation lasted about 16 minutes. seriously- wtf? she ignored me and then when she has something she wants to share with someone, anyone, she called me. my cuz said i should have told her just where to go. i get mad but then i remember that this is the same girl whose parents have never told her that they love her. how can i hate her? she's lost. sometimes i feel like we all are. | | |
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